[pre]Rose woke up thinking of all the chores she had to do that day. As she
opened her eyes the events of the past few days came rushing back to
her. The barn in flames, the horses screaming to get out, The heat as she opened the doors, the smoke, the fire hissing as the rain fell onto the flames, the sound of hooves, the pain then darkness. when she awoke from the darkness the bandits had tied her hands to the horn of a saddle and the smallest was leading her horse. Rose asked what they planned to do to her but they wouldn't say. After the fifth time she had given up she probably didn't want to know anyways. They had made camp when the thunderstorm had started, while the bandits were dismounting the small one had untied her horse from his. Rose knew that that might have been her only chance, so she kicked the horse and ran. Just as she saw the lights of a cabin in the distance she heard the sound of a gun firing and the feel of pain rushed though her. The theives had shot her. Rose got to as far as the fence before they had caught up wtih her. She remembered the leader aiming his pistol at her head then the crack of a shot gun. that was the last thing she remembered before blacking out.
have to finish later sorry.[/pre]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Wow. I agree with Shadow, this definitely needs some work. You are using commas excessively, which forms run-on sentences, which causes confusion,................
Here is my critique:
The first sentence is great, and the second is ok, but you need a space between "she" and "opened" and a comma after "eyes". After that you are just listing the events, which is a lot of telling and not enough showing. This sentence in particular:
More description!!!!!! and WAYYYYY to many commas. this is like an entire paragraph in a sentence! Try drawing it out more, and add a little feeling. It would make the memory seem more realistic if you added dialogue, but as of yet I don't know if that's possible with this story.
For the rest of it, I think it just needs a good edit. Your storyline is a bit cliche, but it might unfold later on...... Anyway, you have my curiosity.
Oh yeah, and like Shadow said, try changing the font as well, it can be discouraging to try and read something when it's in it's current font....... Also maybe add paragraph brakes, and space it out????
Hope this helps!
PM me if you have any queries.
Rather confusing, sorry. And can you change the font, this one's difficult to read.
Capital letter to start sentance.
Start a new sentance with She probably didn't....
Start a new sentance with While the bandits were dismounting...
Theives = thieves
Capital letter to start a sentance.
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This needs to be clearer. At first I couldn't tell if this was a flashback, or present action. Still, it does sound exciting. ^_^ Possibilities bubbling, bubbling, bubbling!